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a tall man scoops up your child
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 16th, 2009|09:38 pm] |
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I am having a hard time describing my current mood. It's something like floating on air. If someone had told me a year ago that I could feel this genuinely happy I wouldn't have believed them. My situation in life is still changing slowly, but my outlook is so different. I am grateful for the people I have in my life. I feel like I finally got it just right. I'm excited about moving on and up. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2009|02:43 am] |
So to satisfy my cookware urges, I dragged Mr. all over town until I found an awesome deal on a Staub cast iron cocotte in the shape of a heart. A BLACK HEART. I also found a Peugot peppermill for incredibly cheap and jumped all over it. Tonight I broke the suckers in while experimenting with a root vegetable casserole of my own creation. It turned out awesome.
All of my energies are focused on domesticity right now and it's start to creep even me out a little. I am just so damned into cooking and cleaning lately. I was telling Sophie tonight (after making brownies) about how I just can't wait until it's tomorrow so that I can cook something else and eat it. |
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| potential husband and kitchen insanity |
[Jan. 31st, 2009|04:47 am] |
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Things are going well. I have some chapters closed and picked up some others where I left off. I am trying to take things one day at a time and not get ahead of myself but it's hard, even with the usual obstacles, not to envision myself all settled down and playing house on the regular. In addition to marital bliss with Mr. I also fantasize about fancy cookware. My friend Jen's dream kitchen has been inspiring some mean Keeping-Up-With-The-Joneses mental sommersaults and I've been incessantly scouring the internet for good deals. Jen's an All-Clad lady but Sophie and I are Le Creuset kind of gals. All-Clad and Mauviel are out of the question for at least the next ten years or until marriage, and anyway I want my cast iron to match my stainless steel. I'm thinking of applying for part-time jobs at Williams-Sonoma and Sur La Table just for the discount. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 6th, 2009|05:19 am] |
Earlier tonight I made Ja Jang Myun for Sophie and Sarah and had some wine and nice conversation. Later I got antsy and bored and headed over to Robin's and had some more wine, some beers, and a lot of cigarettes. I then proceeded to attempt a roundhouse kick and slipped on a rain-slick porch and fell on my ass. No one but Tatia saw it. I feel like we shared a moment.
Something about the combination of a frumpy hoody, too much white wine, and my D&G glasses made me feel like Ray Smuckles all night. In keeping with that feeling I drove to Harris-Teeter at three-thirty in the morning to buy yeast and some cheese and broke out Sophie's breadmaker. I am now attempting some dill-havarti bread. Does that sound gross or awesome? I think it sounds awesome. We'll see. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 1st, 2009|04:02 am] |
So I'm all moved in and ready to start my life over when I suddenly come home and start drunkenly cooking only to discover that Sophie has nothing but weird, long-grain Chinese-people rice. THIS IS A PROBLEM. I have no idea how to cook Chinese-people rice. It came out all mushy in the rice-cooker using Korean rice-cooking methods. I never encountered this with Irene because she couldn't even cook an egg under pain of death.
Either way I am pleased to be back and getting on with my life. I feel like I've amassed enough of a karmic surplus to last me for a while, barring unexpected events (like stepping on someone's baby or robbing a bank). I'm pumped about a new and brilliant future and I'm excited to spend lots of quality time with the people I care about. Also, apparently, I have aged like a fine wine or suddenly mutated to start producing sexy pheromones because dudes are all over me. ALL OVER. Like real, hot dudes! I do feel like I have genuinely earned some positive dudely attention after all this time, but I'm not going to get a Big Head. It is what it is and most dudes are just crap anyway. I'm a little too drunk and happy, but can I get an amen?! AMEN! You gotta watch out for them white devils!
HAAAAAAAPPY NEW YEEEEEEAAAR!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 24th, 2008|12:32 am] |
It's hard to believe that 2008 is coming to a close. I'm poised now on the verge of rebuilding the life that I left behind a year ago. I feel calm and confident, purged of most of my poisons.
I learned a lot of hard, valuable lessons this year. I got in touch with the person I really am by taking a long, cold look at the person I was. I took giant leaps along the path to who and where I want to be. Some things are still cloudy, and others are clearer than ever before. I feel sane and I have felt sane for a long time now.
It's hard to describe the feeling of being at a good point in your life. It's hard to dredge up the inclination to describe it, and maybe with good reason. I've realized that I struggle with this silly journal now, after nearly ten years, because I no longer feel the need to stop and analyze every thought, action, or feeling. I'm no longer afraid of myself or the ways that I could potentially sabotage my own life. I trust myself. Cheers to that! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 19th, 2008|09:12 pm] |
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Today, while filling out my transfer request form at work, my district manager noticed that my current rate of pay is accidentally 6% over the region's wage-cap and I got an involuntary pay cut back to the cap. Luckily for me, that 6% will go into a lump-sum anual bonus instead.
Taxable at fifty fucking percent. Hey, Charlotte, can you help a brother out? I need a new job. Preferably as a sexy secretary. I can type 90 wpm with 99% accuracy according to this test I just took on the internets. Thanks! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 2nd, 2008|03:28 am] |
| [ | music |
| | entre ríos - inocencias | ] |
Tonight, the long night, I was live. Electric! It was a Belle of the Ball night and I danced hard, fast, incredible. Sandwiched between two suitors, whom I sent packing off together, I felt real and whole. Every once in a while the Universe reaches out and taps you on the shoulder and you feel alive and connected, like a thread in a tapestry. I'm grateful, brilliant, and necessary. I hold my own. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 29th, 2008|05:18 pm] |
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I suppose it could just be the weather, but lately I feel like I'm just walking around in a daze. I've tried pulling back and taking some deep breaths, but I just can't seem to shake this swirling undercurrent of despair. Everything feels pointless and hopeless and I find myself with this overwhelming urge to jump ship and swim away. I know it will pass. It always does. I just need a break or a glimpse of some island off in the distance. I need to feel like I'm getting somewhere or some thing. I'm tired of doubts and uncertainty. I suppose I'm just tired. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 22nd, 2008|06:42 pm] |
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Today all of the last week's laziness and procrastination resulted in all of my hard-earned A's dropping down to angry B's. In the midst of kicking myself, I suddenly had to evacuate my school due to a potentially explosive gas leak. At some point I have to go into work on my day off to place an order I forgot to do yesterday. That is, after I manage to get out of the Nissan dealership waiting room, either by car or on foot. What a day. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 22nd, 2008|01:40 am] |
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I got my first missed connection! Unfortunately I have no clue who the person is. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 12th, 2008|02:24 am] |
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What is it it about a fistful of dudes that makes one want to just run off to the mountains and read some Woolf? It seems like this army of suitors only appears when I'm most content to be alone and charged with productivity. I suppose it's a good thing, really. I've gotten quite skilled at keeping my priorities straight and my nose to the grindstone, and it's almost a pleasure to have my resolve tested and pass with flying colors. I am seriously married to myself right now, and for once I actually like it that way. I wish I was able to capture the eloquence of happiness and fulfillment, but I can't. Dearest Internets, just take my word for it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2008|01:24 am] |
I keep having dreams about my teeth falling out, but they always end up back in my head. Last night I dreamt that only the front four fell out, but a new set of wisdom teeth grew in and pushed the remaining teeth together into a perfect set.
I realized recently that my life has been so full of school and work that I've had no time to dwell on my own percieved shortcomings or unfulfilled desires. It's wonderful. I feel like I've shed an old skin. Soon I'll be a quarter of a century old and I feel awesome about it, like I've earned it and learned it. I can feel the Universe reshaping. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 14th, 2008|12:56 am] |
I've got a lot on my mind tonight, and if I were a religious man, I might pray for some guidance or solace. As it is, I just sit and think and hope. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy, and healthy. I am busy and productive. I even had a dream about my teeth falling out last night, and then slowly and surely I plugged each and every one back in. That's a good sign.
I've said it so many times it's become something of a cliche. I wish we could all understand each other a little better. Not just actions or even just down to intentions, but motivations. These days I don't dwell so much on my past mistakes. I am forward-looking and determined. But every now and then I think about the person I've become, and the long, hard road I travelled to get here. I have a lot of regrets. We all do. But I know that I've learned a lot about life in general, and my own in particular. I would hope that those I cherish would understand my intentions, my motivations, as I try (and sometimes also fail) to understand theirs.
When I was a teenager I had an ever-expanding social circle of friends that meant the world to me. I always considered myself picky in one way or another about the people I surrounded myself with. I felt, and do feel, close to them. I felt like we all got it. But I've realized that in the rocky years since I was a teenager, I've grown and changed a tremendous amount. So have we all. It's sad to suddenly realize one day that the people we've all grown into are all very different, with very different ideas about life and how to live it.
There's too much in my head and heart right now to wrangle down into a few sentences. I need to think more and digest more. I suppose the crux of it is that it's okay to just say goodbye, if goodbye is what it is. Either way, I managed to squeeze in a lot of the people I love today. I feel good about that. I feel lucky. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 1st, 2008|10:29 pm] |
So Mary-Kate and Asher came into town, fleeing ol' Gustav, and we had an awesome reunion at Sophie's house that culminated in me getting a half-hour massage from Asher that left me passed out and dreaming about having my electrical circuit innards reprogrammed through a panel in my back. I was the first to wake up! At noon. And then we had a nice brunch at Pike's.
After returning home I took my mom back to the sporting goods store in Bumfuck where my mom was undercharged by mistake for a dozen arrows. I tried to correct the cashier but my husband-to-be gave me a wink and told us not to worry about it. I literally swooned a little. Then I did some yardwork.
Happy Labor Day, y'all! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2008|12:29 am] |
Things are good, but intense. Just as school started back I found myself suddenly scheduled forty-hour weeks again. I'm keeping my head down and my nose to the grindstone.
Here are a few of the reasons why my mother is hilariously my best friend:
1) I discovered that although she has been attending church every Sunday since Alvin died, she only arrives at 11:55 and waits on the steps until the sermon is over. Then she joins the rest of the congregation for the communal meal and comes home. "I kind of think God is an asshole these days, but the food is good."
2) After watching the Olympics and seeing Korea take the gold in archery, my mother has decided that her new hobby will be archery. Last Sunday I drove her to a small sporting goods store in Bumfuck (where I coincidentally ran into the bearded man of my dreams) and helped her select a $400 longbow. She has since practiced every day for one hour, and has also acquired huge bruises all over her arms from accidentally smacking herself with the bow. We are going back to the sporting goods store (and my future husband) to purchase more arrows this Sunday because she has already lost five in the woods behind our house.
3) I recently helped her create an okcupid.com account in an effort to help alleviate her boredom and find a man. While answering personality questions she stumbled upon one whose vocabulary stumped her. While I was having dinner with my grandmother upstairs, my mother suddenly shouted up the stairs, "James! I don't understand this question. WHAT IS PUBIC HAIR?!" I actually spit a mouthful of food into my grandmother's face. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2008|01:00 am] |
The silver lining of having a boring life in the country is apparently a rich and vivid dream life. Last night I dreamed that I was on a road trip through majestic mountains in an antique convertible with the top down. Over each and every dip in the road was a cloud of mist and a new and glorious view of steep mountains covered in glossy ivy and even glossier-leafed trees as far as the eye could see. I have never seen a green that green in real life.
Back in the real world I cried my eyes out in the shower. Just a huge torrential gush of emotions that have probably been piling up for months. I cried about being lonely and so far away from all of my friends and support networks. I cried about the spectre of unemployment after all this time. I cried about having no fulfilling responsibilities and no money and no independence and no significant other and not even any prospects. I guess all my cheerfulness of late has just been sort of wearing me down a little. It's a strange break from the life I've lived so far and, if it continues, will require a lot of adjustments.
I guess underneath it all, despite my firm commitment to the path I've chosen and my firmer belief that my choices are the right ones (for once), I can't help but feeling just a little lost. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 5th, 2008|01:15 am] |
I have been reading too much Jane Austen and it has just depressed me. I don't want to read anything that involves courtship or country estates for a while.
Last night I dreamt I was in Japan ordering bottles of liquor in pidgin Japanese. But every time I would say something this old lady would correct me and use the Korean word instead. So then I repeated myself in Korean to her and she just kept shaking her head and eyeing me like I was insane. The night before I dreamt that my bedroom had a trapdoor that led to an underground garden filled with herbs and spices and ferns. There was also a secret door that led to an airy attic room that was painted all white and had huge bay windows. Outside of the windows was nothing but sky and clouds with no ground at all. I wonder what all of that means.
I can't wait for school to start even though I am already filled with idiot terror over my basic dumbass algebra class. I remember being thirteen years old and throwing tantrums and screaming and crying and ripping up my algebra book and having to pay for it out of my allowance because I hated math SO HARD. I still feel exactly the same way, but I am determined to make an A even if it kills me. I will need to finally get brain drugs. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2008|01:01 am] |
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Today I woke up sort of early and went to get my car inspected. For once in my life that was quick and painless and ended with the mechanic asking me to give his regards to my beautiful mother. Ha. Then I went to the Burke county dump to throw away old computers/parts from the attic, including our old computer from literally twenty years ago that weighed four hundred pounds and two televisions my grandparents bought in the seventies. Then I came home to a nice spaghetti dinner lovingly prepared by my grandmother. After eating we looked into the refrigerator and noticed that we have all gone a little crazy with gardening/cooking. Inside were the leftovers from the week of cooking which included: squash casserole (Grandma), zucchini quiche (Me), curried chicken salad (Me), cornbread and wild beans (Grandma), bibimbap (Mom), homemade walnut butter (Me), bulgogi (Mom), creme du barry (Me), homemade salsa (Grandma), salsa fresca (Me), peach cobbler (Grandma), homemade salt pickles (Grandma), homemade pesto penne (Me), and some tabbouleh (Grandma). Uh. Whoops. From now on we are going to try to coordinate our culinary schedules a little better and also stop cooking enough to feed an army. I feel fat and sated. I think I am actually starting to like living at home. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 27th, 2008|08:24 pm] |
Last night after a conversation with my grandmother about adopting babies during which she told me that I needed to "hurry the hell up" because she is old I came to a horrifying realization about my Plans for the Future. Apparenty Korean international adoption laws prohibit single people from adopting Korean babies. So it has become even more important to me than ever that I become legally able to marry a dude in the United States regardless of how I or anyone else feels about the sanctity or the crustiness of the institution of marriage. It is in everyone's vital interest in the long-term that I am able to succesfully adopt a Korean baby and I think we can all agree on that.
After that I went ahead anyway and searched through photolistings of adoptable babies all across the world and it broke my heart how old and unadopted some of them were. There were THOUSANDS of listings of seventeen year olds. SEVENTEEN. Instead of worrying about if they are pregnant or Does This Shirt Make My Boobs Look Awesome Or Ridiculous they are worrying about finding parents to come home to for the rest of their Christmases because it is already too late for them to have parents to come home to after school. That breaks my heart. Even worse they all have debilitating names like Ra'Shayneequia or Nastalgia (for real) that will make it hard for employers to take them seriously as human beings. :/
THEN I ENCOUNTERED THESE TWO:
Now I am even more pissed about being so far behind in my life-goals because if I had done everything the right way in the right year like everyone's big sister I would totally be qualified right now or even last year to adopt these two before they are legal adults and fulfill my duty as a human to help small children with Problems in addition to achieving my own dreams of having a Family That Looks Like Me.*
*Disclaimer: I realize fully that I am actually still insane and totally unqualified to be a Mom at this point in my life so please don't take me too seriously and think that I'm dumb. Thanks! |
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wintering's journal